Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset. While there are benefits to being optimistic and engaging in positive thinking, toxic positivity rejects all difficult emotions in favor of a cheerful and often falsely-positive façade.
The Anxiety & Depression Association of America (ADAA) notes that toxic positivity often manifests in response to painful feelings, and promotes an unrealistically optimistic take on a situation that ignores its full context and impact.
To be clear: Not all positivity is toxic. When you feel hopeful that things can change even though you accept that things are tough, that’s helpful positivity, says Goodman. In contrast, toxic positivity encourages you to deny any negative emotions at all, and this can be rough on your health (more on that later).
Toxic positivity takes positive thinking to an overgeneralized extreme. This attitude doesn't just stress the importance of optimism—it also minimizes and even denies any trace of human emotions not strictly happy or positive.
Examples of Toxic Positivity
Toxic positivity is common, so you’ve probably experienced it — whether in the way you view things in your own life or someone else’s response to your situation. Here are some phrases you’ve likely heard before that are sometimes rooted in toxic positivity:
•“Look on the bright side!”
•“Everything happens for a reason.”
•“Don't worry!”
•“It'll all work out.”
•“Just stress less!”
•“You’ll get over this.”
•“This too shall pass.”
•“At least …”
“Being positive about a neutral or positive situation is a perfectly normal, authentic thing to be doing,” says Mary Jo Kreitzer, PhD, RN, a professor of nursing and the director of the Earl E. Bakken Center for Spirituality and Healing at the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis.
The problem, Dr. Kreitzer says, is when positivity doesn’t fit the situation and sends the message that the way the other person feels is wrong.
Upon expressing disappointment or sadness , someone may respond that “happiness is a choice.” This suggests that if someone is feeling negative pemotions, it’s their own fault for not “choosing” to be happy.
Such statements are often well-intentioned, or people just don't know what else to say and don't know how to be empathetic. Still, it is important to recognize that toxic positivity can be harmful.
To be able to tell if positivity is helpful or toxic, look out for these red flags, both in how you talk to yourself and in your interactions with others.
•Experiencing pressure to feel a certain way:Underneath the seemingly cheerful reminders is a potentially hurtful message: You should feel differently than you do, says Goodman.
•Feeling dismissed:When you encounter toxic positivity, it shuts you down and your real feelings are denied and minimized, says Kreitzer.
•Feeling belittled:Toxic positivity tends to be a shallow take on a complicated situation, glossing over the difficulties you’re facing, says Kreitzer.
•Inappropriateness or a feeling that being upbeat is off-base:Context is everything, and not all situations warrant a positive spin. “Toxic positivity is the excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations,” says Kreitzer.
•It avoids authentic human emotion: Toxic positivity functions as an avoidance mechanism. When people engage in this type of behavior, it allows them to sidestep emotional situations that make them feel uncomfortable. Sometimes we turn these same ideas on ourselves, internalizing them. When we feel difficult emotions, we then discount, dismiss, and deny them.
•It causes guilt: Being toxically positive can also cause feelings of guilt. It sends a message that if you aren't finding a way to feel positive even in the face of tragedyyou are doing something wrong.
Toxic Positivity vs Optimism
It is possible to be optimistic in the face of difficult
experiences and challenges. But people going through trauma don’t need to be told to stay positive or feel that they are being judged for not maintaining a sunny outlook.
Why Toxic Positivity Is Harmful
Too much positivity is toxic because it can harm people who are going through difficult times. Rather than being able to share genuine human emotions and gain unconditional support, people who are faced with toxic positivity find their feelings dismissed, ignored, or outright invalidated.
Some even consider toxic positivity a form of gaslighting. This is because it creates a false narrative of reality, often causing you to question what you think and feel.
In some cases, toxic positivity may even be abusive. An abusive person might use it to devalue, dismiss, and minimize another person's emotions and experiences. They might even use it as a way to downplay the seriousness of their own abusive actions.
What Causes Toxic Positivity?
Many of us learn toxic positivity from our surroundings and societal expectations, Goodman says. “I think we've all been conditioned to feel like whenever anyone is struggling, I should try to make them feel happy,” she says.
That means what ends up as toxic positivity can start from a good place of wanting to help, according to an article published in Right as Rain by UW Medicine at the University of Washington in Seattle
How Toxic Positivity Affects Your Health and Well-Being
While positivity, particularly optimism, is generally good for your health, the same can’t be said for toxic positivity.
1.Toxic Positivity Can Cause You to Suppress How You Feel, Which Makes Strong Emotions Harder to Deal With
One of the biggest reasons to avoid toxic positivity is that it relies on diminishing and denying how you really feel — strategies that aren’t effective and usually fail in the long term, says Suzanne C. Segerstrom, PhD, MPH, a professor of psychology at the University of Kentucky in Lexington, who studies how emotional regulation impacts health.
Generally speaking, suppression only makes feelings stronger. Kreitzer likens the process to trying to keep a bunch of beach balls underwater. Eventually, they’re going to slip out of your arms and burst to the surface — often in unexpected, uncontrolled ways.
2.Toxic Positivity Can Lead to Shame
Because toxic positivity sends the message that your feelings are wrong, it can make you feel guilty and ashamed, says Kreitzer. Research links shame to many mental health problems, including eating disorders and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
3.Toxic Positivity Can Make You Passive
If you believe keeping a smile on your face is key to getting through a difficult situation, you may be more likely to ignore problems and less likely to take the necessary action to get through it, says the psychologist Claudia Trudel-Fitzgerald, PhD, an assistant professor at Université du Québec à Trois-Rivières and a researcher at the Institut Universitaire en Santé Mentale de Montréal, both in Canada.
“It puts people in a really passive position and then can make them feel guilty if they don't achieve the intended goals,” says Dr. Trudel-Fitzgerald, who studies how psychological states like optimism impact health.
4.Toxic Positivity Can Harm Your Physical Health
Approaches like toxic positivity sometimes lead to worsened all-around health and more stress on the body, says Dr. Segerstrom.
In a study published in the Journal of Psychosomatic Research, researchers compared survey results about emotional regulation styles with participants’ health records 12 years after they took the initial survey. They found something alarming: People who dealt with their feelings through suppression, agreeing with statements like “I try to be pleasant so others won’t get upset,” were more likely to have died during the study period from any cause, including cancer
Although more research is needed to confirm these findings, this study suggests that accepting negative feelings is healthier than trying to be positive all the time.
How to Avoid and Deal With Toxic Positivity
The key to countering toxic positivity is making room for difficult emotions, no matter the situation, rather than shutting them out.
Dealing With Toxic Positivity From Others:
Generally the best way to respond to toxic positivity is to ignore it or say something simple like “Okay, thanks,” according to Goodman.
But in close relationships, where you want to help the other person understand how to support you better, Goodman suggests trying this strategy:
•Acknowledge that they’re trying to be helpful:
Most of the time, people who use toxic positivity are trying to be supportive they’ve just missed the mark.
•Suggest what they can do instead:
Let them know whether you
just need them to listen, would like
concrete advice, or could use specific support, like dropping off dinner.
•Explain how what they said affects you:
Remember, people who use toxic positivity often don’t realize how hurtful it can be. Usually it's enough to tell them that what they’ve said doesn’t feel helpful.
If you recognize toxically positive behaviors in yourself, there are things that you can do to develop a healthier, more supportive approach. Some ideas include:
•Develop an attitude that "it's okay to not be okay:
Instead of having a viewpoint that it's wrong to have negative feelings, accept that it isn't realistic to be okay all the time. Remind yourself that if someone doesn't feel okay, that's perfectly acceptable.
•Manage your negative emotions:
But don't deny them. Negative emotions can cause stress when unchecked.But they can also provide important information that can lead to beneficial changes in your life.
Toxic Statements
•Just stay positive!
•Good vibes only!
•It could be worse.
•Things happen for a reason.
•Failure isn't an option.
•Happiness is a choice.
Non-Toxic Alternatives
•I'm listening.
•I'm here no matter what.
•That must be really hard.
•Sometimes bad things happen. How can I help?
•Failure is sometimes part of life.
•Your feelings are valid.
Coping With Toxic Positivity
If someone you know has a tendency to respond to your negative feelings with statements that aren't supportive or emotionally validating, some ways you can respond to toxic positivity include
•Be realistic about what you feel:
When facing a difficult situation, it’s normal to feel stressed, worried, or even fearful. Don’t expect too much from yourself. Practice self-care and work on taking steps that can help improve your situation.
•Know that it’s okay to feel more than one thing:
If you are facing a challenge, it’s possible to feel nervous about the future and, at the same time, hopeful that you will succeed. Your emotions can be as complex as the situation itself.
•Notice how you feel:
Following “positive” social media accounts can sometimes serve as a source of inspiration but pay attention to how you feel after you view and interact with such content. If you are left with a sense of shame or guilt after seeing “uplifting” posts, it might be due to toxic positivity. In such cases, consider limiting your social media consumption.
In the end, give yourself permission to feel your feelings. These feelings are real, valid, and important. They can also provide information and help you see things about a situation that you need to work to change.
This doesn't necessarily mean that you should act on every emotion that you feel. Sometimes it is important to sit with your feelings and give yourself the time and space to process the situation and accept your emotions before you take action.
Addressing Toxic Positivity in Yourself
If you notice yourself offering up toxic positivity (in response to someone else or to yourself), you can replace that with a more supportive approach.
Truly listen: Pause, be quiet, and take time to hear someone out, to show that you care and learn what they really need in that moment (and avoid what may be a habitual, knee-jerk positive response). Being present and listening is often more important than saying anything to try and make them feel better, says Kreitzer. When it comes to a toxic positive attitude you might have toward your own situation, don’t skip past your own negative feelings either, she adds. Ignoring your grief, loss, fear, or anger doesn’t lead to a healthy state. Instead, practice being aware of your emotions.
Ask questions:It’s a good idea to understand how someone is feeling before you take any action in response, says Goodman.
Focus more on validating and less on solving: If you find yourself minimizing how bad you feel about something, try to acknowledge it instead, says Kreitzer. When you’re interacting with someone else, lead with empathy and validation for someone’s situation rather than rushing to fix the problem, says Goodman. Here are some ideas of what you can say:
•“That sounds hard.”
•“That sounds really tough.”
•“I get why you feel this way.”
•“I would be upset, too.”
•“I'm not going anywhere.”
•“I'm here for you.”
•“I’m here with you.”
Toxic positivity is often subtle, and many of us have engaged in this type of thinking at one point or another. By learning to recognize it, however, you’re better able to rid yourself of this type of thinking and provide (and receive) more authentic support when you are going through something that isn’t easy.
Remember, the full range of emotions not just positive ones is part of a normal and healthy human experience.
Start noticing toxic statements and strive to let yourself and others feel your emotions both the positive and the negative.
Nice one
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